Fairly Stupid Tales
by Sita-chan
Summary: [happy birthday, lute] They started out as fairy tales, but they've strayed too far from the accepted Grimms brother path to be accurately referred to as "fairy tales" any more. Now, they're simply known as Fairly Stupid Tales. Read, and you'll see why.
1. Rapunzel and the Doorless Baseball Fort

Let me get a few things out of the way before this fic starts. I _might_ have been on mass amounts of crack when I wrote this and didn't realize it. And I _might_ have had my brain taken over by miniature aliens and, therefore, I'm not responsible for this fic. But I do know two things for sure. One, this was _definitely_ caused by sheer boredom during a First Aid video in P.E. And two, this was _definitely_ written for my darling Stacy's eighteenth birthday. Stacy, Lutelles, Thumbsucker Snitch, Yolanda, and all your other thousands of nickname, this is for you, however freaky and cracked-out it may be. You know I adore you. -beams-

Disclaimer: _Newsies_ no es mio-sonrio-

Warnings: Sheer insanity, wild OOC-ness, slight language, some slash

Rapunzel and the Door-less Baseball Fortress

Once upon a time, in the far-off, mystical land of Detroit, lived a man with his beautiful wife.

"I hate everything," the dark-haired boy said through gritted teeth.

The boy next to him gave his friend a jab in the ribs and promptly adjusted the wild, tangled, bright yellow wig that adorned his head. "Shut up, David, this is gonna be fun."

"Mush, anything that involves cross-dressing is fun to you."

"Shut up!"

_Are you two finished?_

"Yes, Omniscient Narrator."

_Thank you. So. The man and his wife desperately desired a child._

"Oh, how desperately I desire a child!" Mush screeched, waving his arms wildly.

David blinked. "Um... so do I. I guess."

_The man had once been a great player of baseball, and he wanted a son to carry on in his footsteps._

"... I'm sorry, what fairy tale is this again?"

_The one where you SHUT UP. _

"... okay, then."

_So, the woman gives birth to a healthy, baby boy._

"CHILDBIRTH, AAAAAAAH!"

"Thank you, Mush."

"Quite welcome."

_No one ever remembered the little boy's real name. Everyone simply called him Snitch, because he was a greedy little brat and stole lollipops from all the other children in the area. Well, he didn't, really, because there were no other children. But if there were other kids, he would have stolen their lollipops._

"Would not!" interjected the tall boy.

_You're supposed to be a baby, and babies can't talk. So shut up, Snitch._

He pouted. "Goo, goo."

_Good boy. Much to the chagrin of his parents-_

"Aha, chagrin. Fun word."

_... much to the chagrin of his parents, Snitch didn't want to play baseball._

"Mommy, Daddy, I don't want to play baseball," Snitch stated.

"Uh, yeah, the invisible narrator lady just said that."

"Shut up, David."

_Yeah, shut up, David._

"... right. Moving on. I don't want to play baseball. I want to become a pop star!"

_Snitch's mother was so disappointed and shocked at this revelation that she fell down dead of an unexplainable heart attack. _

Mush blinked. "So I die? Just like that, I'm dead?"

_Yep._

"And I'm not in the story any more?"

_Nope._

"Not fair!"

"Tough luck."

"_So_ not fair!"

"Life's a bitch, and then you die."

_In your case, life's a bitch, and now you die. As in, right now._

"I hate you all!"

"Mush, shut up and die so we can get on with the story."

Mush rolled his eyes and folded his arms, pouting. "Oh, ah, pain in my chest. Ouchies. I am slain." He trudged off, grumbling under his breath.

_Thank you, sweetie._

"I hate you."

_I know. Anyway. After her death, Snitch's father couldn't stand to look his son in the eye any more, as he reminded him of his dead wife. So, he dumped his kid off on the witch next door._

Snitch raised an eyebrow as David did a victory dance in the general direction of the door and praised his freedom. "We live next door to a witch?"

_Yes. Well, she's not really a witch. She's just this crazy lady who's dyed her hair so many times that her brain cells have turned to cottage cheese. She just thinks she's a witch. She also thinks she's Swedish._

"Do they have witches in Sweden?"

_Hell if I know. So! Snitch's father left his son at the home of the witch, Medda, in hopes that she would teach him how to be a successful baseball player._

"Why would she know how to play baseball?"

_Okay, shut up and let me tell the story._

"Whatever."

_Medda locked Snitch in a tall tower that had no doors, no stairs, and only a single small window at the very top. This tower was built during one of her post-hair-dying bouts of insanity in which she thought she was Leonardo da Vinci rebuilding the Tower of Babel. _

"This woman is on serious drugs."

_Tell me about it. So, the Witch Medda locked Snitch at the very top of the tower in a large room filled with baseball equipment. For many years, she tried to teach him the ways of the baseball stars, though she failed miserably, mostly because she'd never played baseball in her life._

"I did, too! I was Serena Williams in a past life!"

_First of all, Serena Williams is still alive. Second, she plays TENNIS._

"QUIET, MORTAL, I AM OMNISCIENT AND OMNIPOTENT!"

Snitch whimpered and backed away from the crazy lady.

_So, the Witch, despite her obvious insanity, tried to teach Snitch to play baseball._

"Okay, Mary-"

"My name is Snitch."

"Don't try to confuse me. Now, Mary, the first thing we have to do is get you a nickname."

"Um... 'Snitch' _is_ a nickname."

Medda ignored him. "All the great baseball players have nicknames, like Crazy Legs or The Iron Warrior."

"The Iron Warrior?"

"Don't question me, Mary. So. Your nickname will be Rapunzel."

"... why?"

"... LUNCHTIME!"

_The Witch was gone for long periods of time. Maybe she was dying her hair or doing drugs or something. Snitch didn't know. But instead of practicing his batting stance, Snitch spent his free hours singing and staring out of the window, clinging to his dream of being a pop star._

"ONE DAY I'LL FLYYYYY AWAAAAAY!"

_... ow. My ears are bleeding. _

"You're just jealous. Besides, you don't _have_ ears. You don't even have a body."

_I'd rather be a disembodied voice than the prisoner of a delusional, possibly sociopathic Botox addict. _

"... I hate you."

_I get that a lot._

"I bet you do."

_Moving on. Since the Witch was insane- _

"I think we've established her insanity."

_Look, I'm telling this story. I control what happens. So, either you shut your trap and let me tell it, or I rewrite this whole thing and give you syphilis._

_Are we clear? _

"Crystal."

_Good. So. Since the Witch, in her insanity, had neglected to build stairs or doors in the tower, there was only one way to get in. She would stand at the foot of the tower and call..._

"Hey, Rapunzel! Gimme the freakin' bat!"

_The boy would hang out of the window and lower a bat to the Witch Medda. Then, she would grab ahold of the bat, and Snitch would hoist her fat ass up into the tower. _

"Holy _shit_, lose some _weight_!"

_Snitch eventually developed a hernia, which I wrote out because it had nothing to do with the story._

"I had a hernia? If I had a hernia, I'd have to go to the hospital... I'd have to leave this story! Gimme back my hernia!"

_Shut up and sing. _

"I want my hernia!"

_Do you want to get laid any time soon?_

"... are you propositioning me?"

_... okay, fine, no sex for you._

"Okay, okay, I want the sex!"

_Then SING._

"DO YOU REALLY WANT TO HUUUUUURT MEEEEE?"

_One day, a crazy-mad famous talent scout named Skittery happened to be lost in the woods. _

"Damnation. I'm lost."

_Suddenly, he heard the sweetest most mellifluous voice that he'd ever encountered._

"I WAS A LONELY, TEEN-AGED BRONKING BUCK WITH A PINK CARNATION AND A PICK-UP TRUCK!"

Skittery blinked and raised his stupidly expensive mirrored sunglasses.

"That is the most beautiful voice I have ever... okay, I can't do this. He sounds like a diseased cat caught in a blender."

"Screw you, Skitts!"

"Later, babe."

"Promise?"

_We're not at this part of the story yet, you little... HEY. Tongue out of his mouth. NOW. _

"You are _no_ fun."

_Let's just get on with this story so we can get to the parts that you two enjoy. Like the sex. _

"Well, when you put it that way... ahem. Oh, what a beautiful voice. I must hire him!"

_Just then, the Witch Medda returned from Save-a-Center._

"I bought rice cakes! Hey, Rapunzel! Gimme the freakin' bat!"

"God, I hate this..."

_Skittery watched as the boy in the window dragged the crazy woman with the bad hair inside the tower. _

"Aha! So, that's how I can get in! Mwahahaha!"

_Save the evil cackle for the Little Red Riding Hood Chapter._

"Oh, God, I'm scared."

_You should be. Anyway. Skittery watched intently until the Witch left for her weekly canasta game. Then, he crept up to the tower. _

"Hey, Rapunzel! Gimme the freakin' bat!"

"Damn, Medda, I told you to lay off the steroids. You sound like a man."

"I'm not her, you moron! My name's Skittery. You must be Rapunzel."

"Actually, my name's Snitch. She calls me Rapunzel because she wants me to be a baseball player, and, apparently, all baseball players have nicknames."

"... but why Rapunzel?"

"I don't know. Whenever I ask, she yells 'LUNCHTIME' and then throws a knife at the wall."

"Wow. She's nuts."

"You're telling me."

"So, um... I heard you singing."

"Okay."

"I'm actually a talent scout. I want to sign you."

"... seriously! It just so happens that I've always wanted to be a singer!"

"And it just so happens that I got lost near your tower!"

"And I just happened to be singing right at that very second!"

"And I just happened to hear you!"

They glanced upwards.

_... what? This is a FAIRY TALE. Fairy tales are SUPPOSED to be unexplainably coincidental. _

"... works for me. Just get me out of this damn tower."

"How?"

"I really don't know. I mean, Medda took the bat."

"Why?"

"Her canasta games can be brutal. She likes to have it, just in case she has to bash someone's skull in."

"Ah. Lovely."

"So. Any ideas?"

"... actually, yeah. I'll be back in a bit."

_Skittery rode off upon his great, white stallion-_

"Excuse me?"

_... upon his big, black motorcycle._

"Thank you."

_Whatever he rode off on, he rode off into the sunset. A few hours later, he returned with the Detroit police, who promptly tracked down Medda and arrested her for cruelty to a minor._

"Despite the fact that I'm eighteen."

"Don't tell her that. This is funny."

"Ow! She totally just socked that cop in the jaw."

"She's got a mean right hook."

"Hell, yeah."

_The Detroit police bashed the walls of the tower in and rescued Snitch. And he and Skittery instantly fell in love._

"Can we make out now?"

_Yes._

"Score!"

_Snitch, with Skittery's help, became a famous pop star. He toured across the country, singing and dodging scores of fanatical prepubescent teenyboppers. Medda caught his performance on TRL from her jail cell._

"I know him! I used to lock him in a tower and teach him baseball!"

_The Witch Medda was promptly shoved in a straight jacket and sent to an insane asylum._

"This sucks!"

_Snitch stayed on top of the music industry until he experienced a slight dip in popularity caused when he punched out an overly-amorous Paris Hilton. But, then, society realized that the bitch was better left unconscious, anyway, and continued blaring Snitch's music. He won several Grammy awards, many of his songs hit the number one spot on the charts, and all of his albums were deemed to be insanely popular. _

But the most popular of all remained his debut album: Rapunzel.

The End

"And then we make out some more!"

"All _right_!"

_Shut UP! Damn horny teenagers... _

The End... for real this time, I promise

... I think I'm actually scared of this. The sheer stupidity of this fic frightens me. And at the same time, I love it. And I guess I better get used to it, because this is a SERIES! YAY! Did I mention the series-ness? I don't think I did. Anyway. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LUTELLES!


	2. Spoiled Prince, Frog Prince, GenderConfu...

I'm half-asleep as I'm writing this, so this chapter may make even less sense than the others will. Aha.

Disclaimers: As always, don't own. As always, for Stacy!

Warnings: Language, general stupidity

Spoiled Prince, Frog Prince, Gender-Confused Fairy Boy

_Once upon a time, in a land far, far away- _

"Oh, dear Jesus, not again. Make it stop."

_Shut your face and cooperate. The sooner I get through this opening, the sooner the story starts. And the sooner it starts, the sooner it ends. Got it, fairy boy?_

"I'm, like, the only straight guy in this story!"

_... David, you idiot, in this story, you actually _are_ a fairy._

"... like with wings and shit?"

_Yes._

"Fuck."

_Precisely. So. Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a princess. Actually, the princess was a prince - Prince Snitch, to be exact - but he was supposed to have been a princess, according to the prophecy of the resident fairy godmother, David - who was also a boy, having mis-prophecized his own gender as well. _

"How could I prophecize about my own gender? ... and is 'prophecize' even a word?"

_Be a good little fairy and shut up. Moving on. Despite the fact that Godmother David was very rarely correct with his predictions, the royal family continued to listen to him and cater to his every whim, despite the protests of Prince Snitch. _

"What the _hell_ is wrong with you people! Hel_lo_, he said I was going to be a _girl_!"

"Go to your room, Princess."

"I. AM. A. BOY."

_Eighteen years after the birth of the prince(ss), Godmother David gathered the kingdom together to release his biggest, most important, and, no doubt, most accurate prediction yet. _

"I predict... that, should the Princess Snitch-"

"PRINCE. PRINCE SNITCH, GOD DAMMIT."

"... should the first-born child of the royal family wait under the willow tree by the lily pond at the stroke of midnight tonight, she-"

"_HE_."

"... it will find its true love."

"So now I'm an 'it?'"

_Just go with it._

"Whatever."

_Prince and/or Princess Snitch was not interested in finding his and/or her true love, however. (S)He was only interested in money, jewels, and other material goods. _

"I like money. Tee-hee."

_... did you just say "tee-hee?" _

"... I did. And I don't know why."

_Maybe you _should_ have been born a girl. _

"Quiet, you!"

_So, though Snitch had no interest in true love, the royal family pressured their child into the search. _

"Kind of like how most parents force their children into jobs that they despise so that they can be devoured by corporate America!"

_... uh, yeah, just like that. So, much to Snitch's chagrin-_

"Ahaha, you said 'chagrin' again!"

_You need to stop that. Seriously. _

"Pssht. Whatever."

_If you stop laughing about that word, I'll refer to you as a "he." _

"Deal!"

_Much to Snitch's chagrin, he found himself waiting under a willow tree in the middle of the night instead of cruising around the kingdom in his brand spankin' new BMW carriage. _

"I have _eight_ horses instead of two!"

_You spoiled brat, you. _

"You're just jealous."

_Moving on to stuff we care about. As Snitch waited and waited, he saw a form approaching in the distance. He very nearly pissed himself when he realized that the boy walking towards him had green-tinged skin and webbed fingers and toes. _

"What the _hell_!"

_The approaching boy was indignant._

"Don't stare. I'm a person, too, you know. A prince, in fact. Prince Skittery."

"Well, I'm a prince, too! And I'm a better prince than you! Prince Snitch!"

"I think I'm from the kingdom next to you."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Weren't you supposed to be a girl?"

"Okay, shut up, Frog Boy."

"That's not politically correct. I prefer the term 'amphibianly-inclined.'"

"Yeah, well, people have been calling me a girl my whole life. Get used to people calling you Frog Boy. Now, beat it, Warty, I'm supposed to meet my true love here."

"... um, I am, too."

_Realization fell upon the almost-boy-should-be-girl and the almost-boy-should-be-frog like a sack of dead fish._

"My true love is a pompous asshole?"

"My true love eats flies?"

"My true love is _male_?"

"... _ditto_!"

_The two princes, thoroughly weirded out, parted ways, refusing to believe the prophecies. When Godmother David found out that Snitch had denied his true love, he had a royal fairy hissy fit. _

"I slave day and night for weeks to figure out when and where to meet the true-freaking-love of your true-freaking-life and _you ditch him_!"

"David, dude, he's part _frog_!"

"Well, you're no beauty queen yourself, Tooth Boy."

"Okay, shut up about the teeth before I start making cracks about the wings."

"... that's a low blow."

"They're looking awfully glittery today."

"Knock it off, Princess."

"Particularly irridescent, too."

"Okay, fine! I'll tell you what. Go back tomorrow, same time, same place, and if Frog Boy is there, tough luck, because that's totally your true love."

_Snitch was angry and frustrated._

"I am angry and frustrated!"

_Thank you, Captain Repetitive. _

"Welcome."

_Although angry and frustrated, Snitch returned to the same spot the next night, mostly because his parents threatened to take away the royal BMW carriage and the royal Playstation. _

"I can't live without my Playstation! It gives meaning to my otherwise dull and pointless life!"

_That's kind of sad, really. But, anyway. Snitch returned, and much to his horror, Prince Skittery was already waiting for him._

"... God dammit."

"You're telling me."

"So what do we do now?"

"Um... fall in love, I guess."

"I don't _want_ to!

"Well, neither do I, but we kind of don't have a choice, do we?"

"No offense, pal, but you're kind of gross."

"Well, screw you, too, you gender-confused brat."

_The two princes parted angrily._

"ANGER, ANGER, ANGER."

_Lovely, Skittery, I really appreciate that. _

"Very welcome."

_The next morning, Godmother David- _

"Wait, wait, why do you let Snitch be a 'he' now, but I'm still 'Godmother David?'"

_I just plain like him better. _

"I hate you."

_The next morning, Godmother David rushed out into the town square to shout his latest divination._

"The Princess Snitch's true love is under a horrid curse! Only with a kiss will his true form appear!"

"I have to _kiss_ him?"

"Tonight at midnight, or else."

"Or else what?"

"Or else this story ends without a real purpose, and we don't get paid."

"... tonight at midnight, then."

"Cheerio."

_That night, Prince Snitch and Prince Skittery met for the third time beneath the willow tree._

"So, um... rumor has it, that I've gotta kiss you."

"Yeah... I heard that, too."

"... want to get it over with?"

"Sure."

_With a grimace, the two princes kissed._

"... weren't you supposed to, you know, change?"

"That's what I heard."

_Well, it's not like David had been right very often before._

"... this _sucks_! I'm not marrying a frog boy!"

"And I'm not marrying some ignorant bratty little dork with the mental capacity of a five-year-old!"

_They got married anyway, of course, since their parents threatened to take away their video games. They bonded over said games, and they truly did learn to love one another. And Prince Snitch learned that having a spouse with a long, sticky, frog-like tongue could truly be an advantage._

_And the kingdom lived not so much happily as kinkily ever after._

**The End**

_I can't believe you two made it through this entire story without jumping each other or screwing me up._

"I can. No offense, Skitts, you know I love you, but you as a frog is really nasty."

"... YOU ONLY LOVE ME FOR MY HOT BODY!"

_Oh, God..._

**The Real End... For True**

I think I may have issues, especially since I was listening to depressing Somthing Corporate songs while writing this, and it still came out freakishly random. This may or may not be anything like the original Frog Prince, since I forgot how it goes. Anyway. Love for any reviews you may be able to spare.


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